Last night, I cried. For those who know me well know I rarely cry, and especially don’t admit it. But this year I’ve cried more than all of the last 28 years of my life put together.
But tonight I will admit it.
Last night I cried, and I’m not ashamed.
I’m not ashamed because I cried tears of awe and thankfulness over the journey God has brought me on over the last year.
I hesitate to even write any of this because of my fear, but God knows I need to.
2015 has been, by far, the most intense spiritual roller coaster ride I’ve experienced so far. There have been exhilarating highs and gut-wrenching lows.
A lot (and I do mean ALOT) happened, but the struggles that came mainly came not from external circumstances (losing a job, being a part of a school shut down, job hunting for several months were pretty tough though), the main struggles came from inside…..the inside of my heart and the darkness that dwells there.
The struggle to believe that God was and is truly good.
The struggle to believe if God truly loved me, and if He did, why did He ask me to do the things He wanted me to do, go to places He wanted me to go, and leave behind things I held dear.
I found myself often sympathizing with people in scripture such as Abraham, Sarah, and Ruth.
Abraham and Sarah….God gave many promises, but not necessarily in the way or time they thought. I imagine they had many, MANY days of doubt. Ok God, You promised this, where is it? Did I misunderstand? Did you lie? Hello??
But they continued to take the next step of faith. Yes, they failed a few times, but Abraham and Sarah kept following, kept obeying, even when it was scary and didn’t make any blessed sense.
Ruth….oh man, Ruth. Did she have any idea God would do what He did? Could she have even planned it herself? But step by step. Blind step after blind step.
Then there’s the times I sympathized with Jacob….wrestling God til dawn. I lost count how many times I’ve done that this year.
It all came down to God leading me in directions that made me want to throw up, to doubt He truly loved me, but when I started walking, realizing He knew what He was doing all along.
I’ve been like a child clinging to her protector, but afraid he won’t protect, only to find I’m where I’m supposed to be.
I find God HAS been faithful all along. He always has been, always will be. Even when I’m wrestling, it hurts, and my insides are bleeding out.
I know this year will be no different because of the dark still in my soul, but God isn’t any different either, so there’s always hope.
So I’ll probably keep crying. But God will keep doing what He does best, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.