Hurry up and Wait

atlanta_traffic08a

Traffic. Ugh.

Who wants to be stuck in traffic? Taking 2 hours to make your way somewhere that normally takes 30 minutes, sitting aimlessly in a car, tapping brakes, trying to not to make those around you mad, trying not to get hit by the merging semi, wanting to be anywhere but there. I’m from Atlanta. I know traffic.

Sometimes you even take the traffic into consideration when you leave for somewhere and you know you’ll make it on time to your destination. You hurry up to leave “on time” to arrive where you need to by the time you need to despite the traffic. And you wait. Wait in the car, ready to be where you need (or want) to be, perhaps put on some tunes. You hurry up and wait.

And you know, waiting is hard. I don’t know why, but it is.

Maybe it’s because waiting causes uncertainty, and if you’re like me, uncertainty induces fear and anxiety. I don’t know how long I will wait. Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m waiting for.

Waiting sometimes means doing nothing and having to depend on someone else (or in the case of traffic, many someone elses).

But I wait.

Ready to be where I need (or want) to be.

Perhaps put on some tunes.

Some days I’m okay with waiting. I know God is working. I know God is leading. I know God is sovereign. I know God is good.

But that’s all I know. I know nothing else. I don’t know what the next step is. I don’t know where the waiting will lead. I don’t know when the waiting will end.

But I wait.

And I have to be okay with not knowing. Do you know how insecure it is when someone asks, “So, what’s next?” and I have to say, “I don’t know”? After 8 months of searching, seeking, working….waiting….I still don’t know. I feel like I should know. But God has not revealed the next step. Many days I wish I did know, but every day is a step of faith.

But I wait.

Keep waiting.

Every day is a battle of the heart to believe waiting is good. Wrestling with God has become routine. Often I’m a walking soul of contradictions.

But you know, it is good. As hard (or as weakly) as I wrestle, I am wrestling. Every day I have to make a conscious choice to believe God keeps His promises, to complete the good work He has started. The waiting and the wrestling reveals how weak I really am, and that draws me closer to God is ways other things cannot.

Those revealed weaknesses aren’t meant to crush me…instead it shows the grace of God lifting me beyond myself.

So, I wait.

And what do I wait for? I don’t know.

Wait, I take that back. I do know.

I wait for God. And if whatever else I’m “waiting” for isn’t what I expect, in the end I haven’t really waited at all. I’ve had Him and His grace and all of His promises all along.

Hurry up and wait. Wait for the One I already have.

I guess that’s not really waiting at all.

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